He's already stirring awake and my soul whines for a few more minutes of quiet, maybe a drop of caffeine, and a little clarity on whether I should go back to Instagram or why I want to or what in the world is it all for anyway?
I took a month-long break in July as we moved and grieved and shifted our gaze to the life season ahead. One thousand miles slipped away under the belly of a jet and the rest of our lives started painful and quick and beautiful, all three.
The real reason I put down my phone was because we had dreams of a real February baby that slipped through our fingers and out of our lives and I could not bring myself to keep up with all the things that mattered so much less than the child I'll never hold.
How could I have known the break would last so long though? Not that all has been tears. Nor has all been joy. But isn't there some space for my soul to breathe when there's no one else paying attention? Not that people always are, but don't you feel like they could be when there's a picture you could post?
And what have I learned? What's been just so different or refreshing?
Jesus sees. And maybe I see Him a little more. And surely I see James more clearly, frequently, lovingly. Love my own life a little more when the phone in my pocket isn't constantly beckoning me to gaze into other people's lives all day long.
Maybe there's a middle ground. In my love for all things black or white, wrong or right, I forget I have the option of trying it out for one week or one day, then deleting it again next Tuesday if I feel so inclined.
But why be on at all? There needs to be a reason, and more inputs for my own day is certainly not the need. Is there anything I'd share that makes the beauty of Jesus a little more clear and lovely and desirable on the internet than it otherwise would be?
Can I offer glimpses of my real person life that show people the real Person of Christ, that bring subtle freedom and hope?
Maybe...let's try it and see? Maybe there's grace in the gray.