We weren’t talking about babies or sleeping or anything related. I was complaining about this large, long season we’re in, and how it feels like years’ worth of time is vanishing meaninglessly. And why won’t God just give encouragement for the things He calls us to that really suck?
“He’s either sovereign over all the little things or He’s not Lord,” she told me.
I groaned out loud and winced both physically and spiritually. Because that truth hurts, packs a punch to my puffed-up idea of how much I trust Him.
Either Jesus is who He claimed to be and controls all that He has made, or He’s not and He can’t. There is no in-between.
Days later another friend is sharing a whispered prayer from a contemplative tradition. A prayer to breathe in the face of every daily circumstance.
“You are God, even in this, and I submit to You."
In the quiet and in the loud He’s pushing in to ask me, “Kate, don’t you know I know?"
And this has been my whispered prayer, my lifeline. Because I can’t even claim to remember and wrap my heart around the longer versions, so I just whisper in those moments.
Okay, God. You know.
Not all the moments, mind you. My heart is still in training, probably will be until my faith is sight. But He gives that grace to break and surrender and trust. Maybe once a week or twice a month, but more often than never.
I breathe it out. Turn off the monitor.
Reach for the crappy napper
whimpering in his bed.
I hold him close and breathe again,
And there are plenty of life situations I’m not ready to explain with this Truth in this blog post at this moment.
But I’ll tell you, He’s faithful. Even in my small-moment trusting He’s had a better plan. The naps work out for the better of the other unexpected parts of the day, and I turn out the light in amazement, whispering back to Him.
Yeah, You knew.
He has to be sovereign over the nap times or lack thereof, the dishes washed or left standing one more night, the meetings that pop up or the plans that get canceled, the movement of nations, one against another, and everything in between.
And I’d tell you all day long it’s true, but He’s moving me into a place of really depending on its being true. A place where my life verse ought to be less about my ish commitment for Jesus and more about His reliability. Always.
Am I the only one? What do you need to be certain He knows, friend? I'll pray it for you if you can't even get there today, and maybe tomorrow you can do the same for me.
Jesus, You know. You know.