Fall breaks through, fighting aggressive, pushy summer heat. Two degrees cooler, ten degrees back up.
The weight of wanting can be like Georgia's never-ending summer. Oppressive, heavy, and lingering longer than we ever wanted to wait for a thing.
That's what it's like to wait for a baby. And that's what it was like to wait for a lot of other things. A husband. The end of a deployment. The right job. A home.
The weight of wanting holds me still and shifts my perspective on all of us who say we want Jesus most but cannot seem to find our way to Him for all the doubt and confusion of whatever else is going on in life. Or whatever is not.
And I just have to wonder if I realize that Jesus can handle the truth about what I really want. Because the truth of my desires?
I want to want Jesus more than anything. But nine times out of ten, there's something else I want more. Something else that haunts me when I'm laying still at night wishing sleep could conquer daydreams of another season, another song, another soul-deep ache's fulfillment.
Too often I believe the lie that the remedy is in wanting less. Smash desire back down like toothpaste into the tube and try to pretend my insides were never bursting with longing for something that wasn't Jesus.
The problem with believing that little lie is that it turns my whole life into a big fat one. I can sing the words about Jesus being the only One for me, all the while my empty heart is flatlining and faking fine.
The truth is? I actually find unparalleled freedom when I bring Jesus what's really in my heart. Squeeze the tube of longing flat before the throne and show Him what He already knows is inside of me.
And somehow, when I tell Him what I really want, He shows me how He's the answer. For real. Not in the Sunday song faking it way, but in the made-for-so-much-more way.
Turns out, wanting Jesus more than anything else is not a strata of spiritual maturity to which I can climb, but a gift of intimacy I receive when I entrust the entirety of my heart to Him even when I know how warped my longings are.
Yeah, turns out, I want Jesus more than anything when I realize He wants me even though I want other things more than Him.
When we felt led to start our family and then waited month after month after month for the Giver of life to open my womb, Jesus led me back and back and back to the secret place where He could press the reality of my heart out and then fill me up again with His fullness. It was brutal and agonizing and undeniably the most transformative season of my life thus far.
For me, that pressing out looked like thousands of words to fight back lies and fear and darkness and disbelief. And the honest truth is that I've been right back in those words in the aftermath of miscarriage, in the longing for the child who should have been and the one who might come next.
And Jesus has been faithful once more to undo my disordered desiring and fill me back up with His radiance and joy. I keep finding He affirms my deep desires at the exact same time that He outflanks them in grandeur. It's as though He says, "Yes, Kate, babies are good, and watch how I am even better. Want bigger, my love."
He has not yet let me down.
Season of Wanting:
Hope for the Waiting Heart
(A Five-Day Devotion by Katie Kump)
If you find yourself in a season when you desperately need Jesus to affirm and outflank your deepest desires, when you need to find courage just to voice them to yourself, I'd like to invite you into a five-day devotional with me. I've assembled just a handful of all those thousands of words about waiting for baby, and they're ready to find you in morning-size portions for the next several days. Just a three-minute read to help us all bring our truest heart to Jesus and allow Him to do a work there more beautiful than we can ask or imagine.
If you'd like to begin? Just enter your name and email below. You'll receive a welcome email today and the first entry tomorrow. This subscription is only for the "Season of Wanting" devotional, no other commitments to this blog or newsletter or to any further contact unless I have more on wanting and waiting to offer you.
Have a friend who is wanting and waiting? She's more than welcome too. Just share this post or the welcome email with her so we can all press in together.
For those of us who want to want Jesus most, may He be honored in our honesty. And gloriously found.